Losing our son.

My oldest son (second child) was born 22nd April 2003. It was a hard pregnancy, no morning sickness to speak of, just one day of hay fever (very unusual for me) but he felt so heavy especially towards the end. He stayed in utero for 42 weeks. He arrived into the world spontaneously and naturally. The birth was difficult, even traumatic. It lead me to thoughts of homebirth.

He was a healthy boy as far as I could tell. He received Hep B vaccine, not that I can remember signing consent. He was breastfed til he self weaned at 18 months and no health issues in his first year.

He was full vaccinated til 12 months ( 2 days before 1st birthday). That day I had a strong feeling that vaccination was not a good idea, not sure why. But I figured the Government would not agree to something that could hurt children. So he had several vaccine doses. One in each limb and one oral.

We stayed in that council building for fifteen minutes.

A day later his cheeks were red. A week later his face was red. People were perplexed at the sight of our son. Even for the next three years. He developed severe eczema that would flare up ever so easily.

When I say severe eczema, I mean it looked horrendous most of the time, it was more than dry itchy skin ( difficult enough to deal with), it was mostly scabs on his face and feet. His big sister protected him and showed her love even when others would stare or say nasty things. People thought it was measles or chicken pox. Or he had a collision with the asphalt.

One doctor ( many didn't care to help us) was concerned that the eczema would enter his bones, possible death. At this time we had a friend who lost her son of the same age ( about two) when eczema entered the brain through his eye. Nass had eczema around his eyes too.

At about four years of age, the eczema started to clear and to this day, has what I call mild eczema on his inner elbows and knees. Of course I was glad that it had lessened.

Then he was diagnosed with acute asthma at four. It was manageable til last year (2013). Of course all this is coincidence according to his doctors, no investigation taken.

In November he had his most severe asthma attack to that day. Nobody seemed to be too concerned, they said it needed to be managed better but we were getting conflicting advice.

In December, only days before Christmas, we thought we had lost our son forever. Early morning, my husband calls for me to get the spacer. I bring it to him as I head to the toilet. When I return, he was gone. Blue, lifeless for all we knew, dead. It was as if he gave up, no longer wanting to struggle to breathe.

I don't think I can say for sure what it feels to lose a child but I got my taste that morning and it hurts. It hurts to write about it and I don't have the words. 

As my husband performed CPR, I frantically fumbled for an idea to get back our son. I remembered the Epipen. Nass has allergies, namely egg grasses, and dust/mites. I had no idea how to use it, never used it before. Finally managed to open it and stabbed him in the thigh like I'd seen on TV.

My husband was on the phone (000) while doing CPR and he started to breathe again. Relief, some hope and help arrived. Many paramedics in our crowded little lounge room, all working to stabilise our son.

In the ambulance, Nass thrashed as he came to. He cried and threw his limbs about. I was glad I could see and hear him alive but was worried for him. Would he have brain damage?

At the hospital they worked quickly, stabilising him and having to sedate him. In ICU for 24 hours, a CAT scan to check for brain injury but all appeared normal. Relief, again.

Our incredibly intelligent son, who started talking at 8 months and excels in maths and science, has Aspergers traits. People may think autism is the only vaccine injury parents are concerned about. Most people are not aware of low functioning autism, you cannot say you prefer having a baby (essentially) forever over a ' vaccine preventable' disease leading to death. Sure both are rare but what about the vaccine injuries in between. Eczema, asthma and allergies, like our son? Or SIDS ( death), various types of auto immune disorders, behavioral disorders? Cancer?

As rare as they like to say vaccine risks are, when it happens to your child, there us nothing rare about it.